Azoresgal~Life on an Island

Happy Sweet Sixteen Emma... xoxo

My darling Emma, we love and miss you oh so very much! Happy Birthday sweet angel!

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep." - Robert Frost

Please be gentle with me, the next few days are always so very cold and grey, and  hard to get through. Please be kind with your words, they have the power to open all my wounds once again. Please don´t be angry with me, if I don't answer the phone, I just need to be alone right now. Please don't ask me not to cry, I need to cry, every tear helps to soothe my pain. Please let me rest, I am tired, it has been such a long journey, and I still have miles to go. Please don't rush me, there is no time frame for grief, I must heal at my own pace.  Please understand, I miss Emma, it's her birthday, and she isn't here with us. Please don't be upset if I go quiet, you see, in my head there is so much noise. Please forgive me if I seem distant, I am lost in my thoughts. Please don´t be frustrated with my sadness, it comes in waves. Like I have been dragged to sea and I just have to keep swimming, and when I can no longer swim, I just have to float, and let the sadness was...

 "Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."       "I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember. a visit to the cemetery today, for Emma's birthday, it is so quiet up on the hillside, and the view is so peaceful..

My biggest fear, as time goes by, is that Emma will be forgotten. I can't even type that with out it grabbing a hold of my heart. I don't want to forget what she looked like, how beautiful she was, how perfect, how wanted.how loved.  But when you loose a child to stillbirth, you are left with very little keepsakes, things to help you remember them. These silent angels, leave footprints on our hearts, but no footprints on earth. I have boxes full of pre-school paintings, and school pictures, and mothers day gifts, and fathers day gifts, that belong to Sara, and Simon, and Tomas. They tell a story, their stories, of how they are growing up, how the are healthy and happy and alive ! With Emma, I have a little corner in my bedroom, with very few things that are hers, and others I have just bought, and some were gifts.  One of the hardest things, is not having an actual picture of her, at the time it wasn't  hospital practice to take pictures of the baby (sadly I think t...

  Today.........12 years ago...today... my world crumbled around me....feels like yesterday. The smells..the sounds...the pain...the questions.. so many questions.....the doubt...the guilt..so much guilt! It all comes back.....like big giant waves.....waves that I just can't seem to catch.  I just have to let them crash around me...for the next couple of days...can´t resist them or fight them ! Eventually they will calm down...and I will still be here...

That anyone would, ever expect, my husband and I to forget, our baby girl. is hurtful.. it is like loosing her, over and over again. I cannot understand, what is not "real " about Emma, to others. I gave birth to a full term beautiful baby girl, she weighed 3,300 kilos,  and was 51 cm. long. WHAT IS NOT REAL ABOUT THAT ??  She was dressed in her "going home outfit", the one, that I had picked out for her, with little yellow duckies on it. She was wrapped in a little flannel blanket, one that I have beaten myself, over and over about, because surely it would not keep her warm enough, in the cold , dark ground. WHAT IS NOT REAL ABOUT THAT ?? Instead of being taken home, to sleep in her bassinet, she was laid to rest in a white little casket, chosen by her daddy, all on his own...WHAT IS NOT REAL ABOUT THAT ?? People, get to grieve, the loss of their mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers and sisters, they get to miss them, speak of them and rememb...

Automatic pilot.....that's exactly what I feel like, as if perhaps, everytime, the first week of April comes, someone flips on a switch. A switch I don't seem to have any control of, it just gets turned on, and with it comes all these things rushing back. Feelings, smells, words, people, it all comes back, taking hold of me, like a prisoner. My heart is heavy, and my mind is racing, I even feel sick to my stomach, and the tears, well, they just come and go on their own, like I said, automatic pilot. The calendar God's this year, would have it, that April 1st, is once again on a Sunday, just as it was 11 years ago, and so the rest of the days will also coincide accordingly. Right until Wednesday the 4th, the day I gave birth to Emma,   the day we buried her. I will live the next four days, hour by hour, and with each passing second that goes by, another wound will open up, just as it has every year since. Like a hurt animal, I will once again, lick my ...

April 1st, ten year's ago, fell on a Sunday, I know this, just like I know 2+2=4. If I am brutally honest, I remember it, because, it's the last time I felt whole. I remember dancing around in our living room with a big pregnant belly, while holding hands, with my oh so very young , 20 month old toddler Tomas. It´s almost movie like, I can see it in my mind, I have pressed rewind, and viewed it over and over again, it was a momment of pure joy, dancing to music on the radio, enjoying a wonderful sunny morning. We had been blessed with a beautiful healthy son, and I was 38 weeks pregnant and waiting for the arrival of a healthy baby girl. We were almost home free, really. Everything had gone fantastically well, I was a picture of health, all ultrasounds indicated our daughter was healthy , all we had to do was wait for her to make her appearance into the world. I pause that Sunday, in my mind, and have gone over and over it again, trying to see what I mi...

Exactly how I feel today, stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it.