Azoresgal~Life on an Island

Please be gentle with me, the next few days are always so very cold and grey, and  hard to get through. Please be kind with your words, they have the power to open all my wounds once again. Please don´t be angry with me, if I don't answer the phone, I just need to be alone right now. Please don't ask me not to cry, I need to cry, every tear helps to soothe my pain. Please let me rest, I am tired, it has been such a long journey, and I still have miles to go. Please don't rush me, there is no time frame for grief, I must heal at my own pace.  Please understand, I miss Emma, it's her birthday, and she isn't here with us. Please don't be upset if I go quiet, you see, in my head there is so much noise. Please forgive me if I seem distant, I am lost in my thoughts. Please don´t be frustrated with my sadness, it comes in waves. Like I have been dragged to sea and I just have to keep swimming, and when I can no longer swim, I just have to float, and let the sadness was...

Automatic pilot.....that's exactly what I feel like, as if perhaps, everytime, the first week of April comes, someone flips on a switch. A switch I don't seem to have any control of, it just gets turned on, and with it comes all these things rushing back. Feelings, smells, words, people, it all comes back, taking hold of me, like a prisoner. My heart is heavy, and my mind is racing, I even feel sick to my stomach, and the tears, well, they just come and go on their own, like I said, automatic pilot. The calendar God's this year, would have it, that April 1st, is once again on a Sunday, just as it was 11 years ago, and so the rest of the days will also coincide accordingly. Right until Wednesday the 4th, the day I gave birth to Emma,   the day we buried her. I will live the next four days, hour by hour, and with each passing second that goes by, another wound will open up, just as it has every year since. Like a hurt animal, I will once again, lick my ...

April 1st, ten year's ago, fell on a Sunday, I know this, just like I know 2+2=4. If I am brutally honest, I remember it, because, it's the last time I felt whole. I remember dancing around in our living room with a big pregnant belly, while holding hands, with my oh so very young , 20 month old toddler Tomas. It´s almost movie like, I can see it in my mind, I have pressed rewind, and viewed it over and over again, it was a momment of pure joy, dancing to music on the radio, enjoying a wonderful sunny morning. We had been blessed with a beautiful healthy son, and I was 38 weeks pregnant and waiting for the arrival of a healthy baby girl. We were almost home free, really. Everything had gone fantastically well, I was a picture of health, all ultrasounds indicated our daughter was healthy , all we had to do was wait for her to make her appearance into the world. I pause that Sunday, in my mind, and have gone over and over it again, trying to see what I mi...