Eleven.....

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That anyone would, ever expect, my husband and I to forget, our baby girl. is hurtful.. it is like loosing her, over and over again. I cannot understand, what is not "real " about Emma, to others. I gave birth to a full term beautiful baby girl, she weighed 3,300 kilos,  and was 51 cm. long. WHAT IS NOT REAL ABOUT THAT ??  She was dressed in her "going home outfit", the one, that I had picked out for her, with little yellow duckies on it. She was wrapped in a little flannel blanket, one that I have beaten myself, over and over about, because surely it would not keep her warm enough, in the cold , dark ground. WHAT IS NOT REAL ABOUT THAT ?? Instead of being taken home, to sleep in her bassinet, she was laid to rest in a white little casket, chosen by her daddy, all on his own...WHAT IS NOT REAL ABOUT THAT ?? People, get to grieve, the loss of their mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers and sisters, they get to miss them, speak of them and remember them fondly.....Why am I not allowed to do that...WHY?? Just because, you did not hold Emma, see her, touch her, feel her, even smell her, does not negate, the fact that she existed.......Because way before she was gone, she had been alive, in me, for 9 months.....I was already her mother....Mr. G was already her father.....she was ours..... Emma is our daughter.

Comments

  1. DianaApril 4, 2012 at 11:26 AM

    My prayers are with you.. Hugs <3

    Diana Gomes Santos

    ReplyDelete
  2. IlídiaApril 4, 2012 at 12:02 PM

    Claro que sim, minha linda. Como eu já amava o Manel muito antes de ele nascer. Até me custa imaginar a dor que vocês terão sentido. Deixa que questionem. Tens TODO o direito de recordar e falar da tua filha. Um beijo.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ElviraApril 4, 2012 at 2:56 PM

    É natural que sintas isso, minha querida. Deve ter sido um sofrimento muito grande e quem não o viveu não tem qualquer direito em dizer-te o que deves ou não sentir. Nunca passei por tal, mas só de imaginar, fico com lágrimas nos olhos. Tens todo o direito de expressar essa dor que sentes.

    Um abraço muito grande.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. azoresgalApril 6, 2012 at 5:00 PM

      obrigada, pelo o teu abraço, amiga, as tuas palavras ao longo destes dias, tem, sido um grande conforto para mim, e sem duvida a tua amizade.- jinhos

      Delete
  4. KarenApril 4, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    And how weird that I can remember Tomas' birthday (really, only cuz its the same as one of mine!) and Emma's - because I remember, quite vividly, where I was (in church) what I was doing (bible study) and what I was thinking (I am too far away) when I found out about Emma.

    You are in my thougths and prayers - always, and especially this week

    K

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. azoresgalApril 6, 2012 at 5:00 PM

      I felt all your love all those years ago, i still feel your love now...thank you

      Delete
  5. Ana RebeloApril 5, 2012 at 2:37 AM

    Diana, sem palavras ...tiraste-as da minha boca. Era preferivel as pessoas estarem caladas.Pensei em ti o dia todo, sabes que pensei nao preciso de te dizer..fiquei a conhecer-te ainda mais um pouco com este lindo texto "eleven" tenho agonias semelhantes as tuas. Sabes enquanto estive no hospital com o meu bebe nos braços nao conseguia parar de embalar e de enrolar o xaile como para aquecer o meu bebe que teimava em ficar cada vez mais frio...ainda consigo sentir na minha mao a temperatura exacta do corpo do meu bebe. Eu felizmente fui bem assistida na america, tenho fotos, madeixa de cabelinho, impressao dos pezinhos... a minha grande dor e que quando algumas pessoas sabem que tenho foto pedem para ver e depois fazem uma cara como se estivessem com receio, insensiveis a dor e a saudade que sinto.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. azoresgalApril 6, 2012 at 5:06 PM

      Eu sei minha amiga Ana, que sabes tudo aquilo que sinto, pois tambem es mãe de um anjinho. Durante muito , muito tempo, sentia-me horrivel, por não ter tido o cuidado, de escolher, outro cobertor para ela,chuva e vento eram uma coisa que me deixava aflita.Eu ao contario de ti, não tenho fotos...o meu maior medo é que possa me esquecer um dia, como ela era...muito triste, é saber que ao longo destes 11 anos, nada ou pouco mudou, na maternidade....No meio desta dor toda, cresceu esta nossa amizade,que já dura a 11 anos...e por isso eu estou grata.bjossss

      Delete
  6. AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 10:27 PM

    Lamento...

    ReplyDelete

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